Hello my friends of the Omschool. Today's topic is a difficult one because it deals with painful bullying and
crybully (bullies who bully by crying bully) behavior. To address bullying, we need to understand the origins. Bullies are grown, not born. And every school bully has very likely been bullied at home by
narcissistic bullying parents.
Parent bullies over-control with no self-control
You've seen these families before. Mom and dad ordering their children around, scolding, nagging and keeping their children very much under their thumb. Or sometimes it's passive-aggressive, with scornful comments, public humiliation and whispered threats. All too often parents confuse over-controlling bullying with overprotective parenting. Protective or overprotective has a much nicer ring to it than over-controlling and bullying. Who doesn't want to protect their children? We're parents; it's what we do. But often what passes for over-protective is really controlling. Over-critical, over-demanding, rule-oriented, punitive, "gotcha", forbidding parenting is garden variety bullying with a fancy name. These are narcissistic parents who don't practice self-control yet micro-manage their children.
Nurture vs. control
Of course I'm not advocating that parents provide no rules, structure, expectations or boundaries. Children should not be given too much freedom when they are not old enough developmentally to use the freedom safely. But when a child reaches certain ages and stages, rites of passage if you will, it's time to ease up on the control a little. Sure you're afraid of what could happen. Most parents are. But there comes a time to allow the child some room to grow, to make mistakes, to test out their wings, fall, pick themselves up and soar.
Parent bully profile
These are the repressive parents and this is what they look like
- Angry and vengeful (bossy, pushy, demanding)
- Enmeshed (think they own the child)
- Narcissists (arrogant, entitled, manipulative, remorseless)
- "Thou shalt not" parents with lists of don't, can't, shouldn't for the kids
- Hypocrites (rules apply to kids, not them)
- Punitive (harsh, detailed negative consequences for minor infractions)
- Gotcha parents who expect, plan for and set up kids to fail.
- Exaggerated and dramatic claims about child's behavior.
Why children misbehave
Children act out for one or a combination of reasons: inconsistent parenting, health issues or repressive parenting. There is no need to continually shout at a child and order him about. These parents don't parent this way because they have to; they parent this way because they don't know any better. Or because they are malignant
narcissists who like bullying and children are a captive audience. Or because they were bullied themselves.
Deep dive into bullying psychosis
Bullies may appear as the toughest guy on the playground. And we tend to think of bullies like the image above. But mentally and emotionally, they are frail, rather ignorant, weak cowards. They are like broken-down bulldozers that think they have the power to crush all in their path but actually they don't even have the power to plow up flowers. They have to use threats and intimidation to feel powerful.
- Bullies are narcissists, arrogant, above it all, entitled, remorseless and exploitative.
- Bullies believe that they are not bound by the same rules to which they bind others. This is referred to as having 'two sets of rules': one set for the bully and one set for everyone else.
- Bullies controls both sets of rules and change them as they wish. This is part of crybully, bullying by claiming to be the victim.
- Bullies run in packs. They are cowardly when alone.
- Bullies DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender)
- The bully believes that he may act as he wishes with no repercussion, and he does.
- Bullies ignore boundaries and trample on the rights of others.
- Bullies are hypocrites. When he sets a boundary, usually irrational and ridiculous, it must be respected as though it was the holy of holies. Woe to those who cross his irrational boundaries, even if it was accidentally.
- Bullies lay traps for others to fall into. That's part of the crybully irrational boundary setting.
- Bullies think people exist only to provide narcissistic supply.
- Bullies demand you support him, defend him, fix his problems.
- Bullies are cowards, emotionally, physically and mentally needy, but they don't admit it.
- Bullies betray. They bite the hands that care for them. Bullies punish and hurt those that show them love and care.
- The bully knows everything. He reads minds. He reads and judges your motives, always in the negative.
- Bullies defensively offensive. If you did something it was to be mean. If he did the same thing, it was for good.
- Bullies are judgmental. Knowing why something was done is only important if it's the bully's motives being questioned. Other people do things with the wrong intentions according to the bully's wisdom. The bully has ultimate judgment
- Bullies have a grossly inflated superego (parent complex). He believes that in this game called life, he has been divinely inspired and directed to tell everyone else what to do, what they are doing wrong and how they should do their jobs.
- Bullies are insensitively oversensitive. They're cruel others then crybully how others are mean to them when they're not.
- Bullies polarize. If they are trapped or foiled, bullies set up camps.
- Bullies triangulate. They pit people against each other if they can.
- Bullies are agents provocateur. They incite violence, anger and bitterness.
- Bullies are cowards, for all their bluff and bluster
- Bullies are passive-aggressive and insidious.
- Bullies are weaklings. He is powerful only exists in his own tiny narcissistic fantasy world.
Helpful hint on bullies
If you are being bullied, it helps to remember that there is every possibility that the bully is far more frightened of you than you are of him. He may not act like it, but if you show confidence and cool calmness, your self-control can be enough to scare him off. We know that bullying is a sign of insecurity on the bully's part. But to the victim, bullies don't seem insecure; they seem like a nightmare.
Stand up for yourself
"Standing up for yourself" is perhaps a dated term. It's what we now call assertiveness. But I still like "standing up for yourself"; this phrase creates a clear directive for action. Research shows that people respond better to active vs. passive verbs. We also prefer to be told what to do, rather than what not to do. So I am going to give you a set of active verbs -- your 'to-do list' to stand up for yourself in any situation. Note: this does not refer to sexual of physical harassment or assault. That protocol differs somewhat. This refers to emotional bullying.
Diagnose: The need to stand up for yourself implies that a force is pushing you down. A sort of emotional gravity is acting on you. Is there a certain person you need to stand up to? Do you feel squashed in a certain situation? Or perhaps you feel generally pushed down? Who owns the problem? Deciding this will help you decide how to best stand up for yourself.
No matter what, do not run or hide. Bullies can smell fear like fresh coffee. They get a false sense of invincibility and they love the power surge they get from it. You cannot hide from a true bully forever. Do not give them that power surge.
Stand (straight) If you are being pushed around you need to begin by standing up straight, physically, emotionally and socially. When I was in high school, I read a great book called Body Language by Julius Fast. Fast's book had a cult following for good reason; body language helps us to understand what we communicate with our movements, gestures and posture. Standing straight suggests confidence. Even if you don't feel so confident, act it and look it. Like the old Al-Anon slogan says, "Fake it till you make it."
Look your oppressor in the eye. Another non-verbal cue. Dogs do this to show superiority. Looking a dog in the eye says, "I see you and I can take you." Fear looks away; confidence takes things head on.
Don't wait for it. When I am in a situation with a person with whom I've had a history of negative interaction; my usual modus operandi is to sit there, all tensed up, waiting for the inevitable rude crack, put-down or confrontation. Inside, I'm thinking: "C'mon just say something. This time I am not going to let you get away with it. This time will be different." But it isn't; so I have to...
Break the cycle. Get up, move around. Act like you don't even know she's there. Get into a conversation with someone about something completely separate from her.
If she interrupts, starts a scene or intrudes, stay calm. Don't cower, cringe or cover for her. Don't get flustered. This is especially unpleasant in a professional setting. Just sit there and let her make a fool of herself. Don't rise to any bait.
Speak first. If you sense an approaching confrontation, before your antagonist has a chance to begin her assault, cut her off. Change the subject, make a joke, begin a conversation with someone else, ask her a direct question. Throw her a curve ball. I use a reverse football metaphor. "The best defense is a good offense.' Said differently, be proactive. You call the shots.
No matter how it ends, pat yourself on the back. If you stayed calm and grounded, that's all that matters. Good for you.
Remember former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt's comment: "No one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission." Don't give permission.
Dealing with bullies outside of home and school
Bullying is an underhanded hate crime and bullies are most likely to bully when no authority is present to prevent it. Before and after school, walking home and waiting for the bus are the most common times for bullying behavior to occur. What can a parent do if they become aware that their child is being bullied at school?
-Listen carefully to your child's situation. Don't interrupt, grill her with questions or demand information. Let her speak. Listen. Gather information. Record the bullying incidents.
-Trust your child. Believe your child. Take her part. Not in anger or as a show of power. That makes it about you, not the child. And children know when parents put their interests first and when parents are just shooting off their mouths to make themselves feel powerful.
-Avoid the old 'just ignore them' line. That's a parental cop-out. There are circumstances in which ignoring can give your child the upper hand. But there are times when ignoring fuels the bully's fire.
-Encourage her to discuss the bullying with school officials. Offer to go with your child to school and meet with teachers, principal and involved parties. If she refuses to report it, you as a parent may want to alert the school about the problems that your child is reporting. But don't do it behind her back. Keep her informed about steps that you are taking.
-Offer to help your child in anyway she needs. Be her ally. Offer to call the school, visit with the teacher, call the child's parents and mediate. When you do, keep the communication clean and direct. Name-calling and retaliation will only blow up in your face. Firmness and determination shows everyone, including yourself and your child, that you mean business.
-Don't get your back up, but don't back down. If the school does not respond or you believe that the bullying is not being handled properly, persist. Don't antagonize or engage the school in battle; try to ally with them first. It easy as parents to fault teachers and schools for not doing things as we want them done. Turning the situation into a confrontation prematurely will put your child at a disadvantage and will not likely help the bullying situation.
Here is an example. When our youngest daughter was seven, there was a notorious bully in her class who would hurt children on the playground. I contacted her teacher, a friend of mine, first. She assured me that she would address the situation. I agreed to give her a chance to solve, but I did inform her that if the bullying continued, I would contact the child's parents myself. She wasn't too crazy about that idea, but saw that while I was willing to give her some time, I wasn't going to forget it.
-Keep the lines of communication open between child, family and school. Advocate. Go to school board meetings and parent meetings. Write letters. Keep the lines of communication open. Circulate a petition. Get support of other parents and students. Avoid engaging the school admin in open confrontation, but don't back down if there is a problem.
This is the only way to possibly prevent your child from taking dangerous measures. Sadly, bad things happen in the healthiest and most loving of families. But if you do your very best to help your child and support them, you will help your child cope and heal.
Bullying is a sick cancer that is spreading in our competitive culture. It's not isolated to school playgrounds. It takes place everywhere: home, workplace, daycare, in school, out of school. Even churches and supposedly safe places aren't bully-free. Why? Because bullies bring their bullying behavior with them wherever they go. There are two kinds of bullying: physical and emotional. Physical poses an immediate, obvious threat. Emotional is more subtle, but equally dangerous because its harder to detect.
And bullies hide in all shapes, sizes, genders, colors and behind all creeds and ideologies. Some are crybullies who bully others by saying that they are being bullied by the people they are actually hurting. Many don't look like bullies. So no one believe the bullied child. "Little Suzie wouldn't never do that! She's too sweet!" Unfortunately that subterfuge is how bullying continues. Are you bullied? Here are coping strategies. Do them in order.
Start by knowing your bully. Why is she picking on you? Does she single you out or is she mean to everyone? Usually, it has nothing to do with you. It's her problem. She's weak, scared, bullied at home, or hurting in some way. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. But you can.
1- Stay out of the bully's path. Don't hide. Just don't engage or attract attention purposely.
2-Ignore the bully. Look right through him as though he's not there. If he's intentionally bullying, it will fail to hit the mark.
3-If she tries to engage, continue to ignore. Walk right past her. Quietly get up and move. Ignore catcalls or whispered remarks. Refuse to let her start something.
4-If he talks to you, don't answer. He'll look like an idiot talking to himself and probably shut up.
5-If the bully questions don't answer. Just because someone asks you something doesn't mean you have to answer. Especially if you know he's just trying to goad you. Professional bullies bait with innocuous questions. If you answer, he's established contact and suddenly it goes from innocent to harassing. He's throwing a gauntlet. If you pick it up, the games begin.
6-If you cannot avoid her and she starts in, stare at her. Don't lower your eyes, show fear or say anything. With dogs this is a sign of dominance. It says, "I see you and I can take you." Walk (don't run) away ASAP.
7-If he gets physical defend yourself however you can. If he throws a weak punch that's just cowardly show of power. Call his bluff. Ignore and walk away. He might back down.
8-If you're a child, get help from an adult: caregiver, playground supervisor, teacher, principal, adult friend, police officer (if it's after school). School professionals are trained to deal with bullying. Tell your parents. You aren't being "chicken", you're being smart.
9-Or shout loudly and firmly "Stop." Don't cringe or scream.
10-If there's no help available, and the bully is hurting you, you've got two choices: fight or flight. If this is an ongoing situation flight will only feed it. Fighting back, although frowned upon, can sometimes stop it. Or you might take a beating. It's depends upon the bully. If he's on drugs, run away. Drugs, especially uppers, can make a person stronger.
11-NOTE: Thinking maybe you should just turn the other cheek, like the Bible says? If you followed the above steps, then you already tried that and it didn't work. Don't let yourself to be someone's punching bag.
12-If--AND ONLY IF-- you've done all of the above and a fight is unavoidable, fight back. If you're weaker or outnumbered, protect yourself however you can. Now's the time for self-defense, not Queensbury Rules. This isn't a fair fight so there are really are no rules. Surviving is what matters. But do get the heck out of there ASAP.
I know some of this advice sound contradictory. Bullying is complicated. Bullies are different. There's no one-size-fits-all solution. You have to deal with each situation individually. Trust yourself to know what to do when you need to.
